I quit smoking. I typed those words on my typewriter on January 2, 2016. I was really going to stop. I went on to write about how I was feeling as the minutes, hours and days passed without cigarettes. Here is my experience quitting smoking.

2 Jan 2016 – I quit smoking. That’s my new mantra, I quit smoking. It’s been 15 hours and 25 minutes since I last smoked a cigarette. I have not purchased cigarettes in 2016. It’s only the 2nd day of the year, but I haven’t wasted a cent on tobacco. I quit smoking! I quit smoking! Peace, I quit smoking. Hey, I quit smoking. Fuck you, I quit smoking. I don’t smoke.

3 Jan 2016 – I quit smoking 40.5 hours ago. I have hit an e-cig a few times but no tobacco, no cigarettes. Yes, I want to smoke a cigarette but I don’t smoke. I really want a cigarette. But I’m a non-smoker. The primary reason I’m quitting is to see if it will help my sinus problems and so far I think it has helped. I really want a cigarette but I don’t smoke. I quit. I quit smoking. I don’t smoke. I quit 41 hours ago. I am typing as a replacement habit to keep my hands busy. I quit smoking!

I want a fucking cigarette. But I don’t smoke. Man, this sucks. Junky wants what junky needs and junky ain’t allowing junky access to what junky knows junky wants and that is a cigarette. I’m sure it would taste bad, the first hit after quitting always tastes horrible but for the junky the next hit is sweet as can be. I will not test this as I know it is true. I’ve replicated the results countless times. So, I tell myself, just don’t smoke. Do not buy cigarettes.

42 hours without cigarettes. I am having a craving. I really want a cigarette. But I don’t smoke. I am convincing myself I do not smoke. The cravings last less than 5 minutes but time is warped when quitting cigarettes. 5 minutes seems like an hour. 5 very intense and uncomfortable minutes, craving a cigarette. But I don’t smoke. One part of me says I quit and another part of me says, yeah but wouldn’t a cigarette be great right now? Ugh. No, I quit. I’m doing okay.

48 hours – I went to the freezer to check out the selection of frozen dinners and found a pack of unopened American Spirit Yellow cigarettes. Damn! I didn’t open the pack, I held it, looked at it. Put it down, looked at it. I contemplated opening the pack and filling it with water to ruin the cigarettes. I finally gave in. Staring at the pack for a while I couldn’t stop myself and I opened the cigarette pack. I took a cigarette out and smelled it. It smelled so good, that sweet, pungent tobacco smell. I smelled it for about 20 minutes and then I lit it. Shit. I am smoking. My sinuses are rebelling. This is why I quit, I tell myself. Right. About an hour and a half later I smoked another one and I was on my way to finishing the pack.

I yelled at myself for backsliding. I told myself over and over that I do not smoke, my sinuses are suffering in part because of those damn cigarettes. So I reset my stopwatch and started the clock again. I am determined to quit. One setback will not be my downfall.

A lot of self-talk goes on when I quit smoking. I tell myself I am a non-smoker. I talk out loud. I say I quit, I don’t smoke, I’m a non-smoker. When I smoked that pack from the freezer I yelled at myself, I don’t smoke, what am I doing? I’m irritating my sinuses! I don’t smoke and I’m smoking! Yeah, self-berating. It actually helps. I pay attention, I listen and I change my behavior. Most of the time.

It’s 3 January 2016 and 46 minutes since my last horrible sinus-irritating cigarette. I’m sick of them. I’ve saved approximately $27.50 this year by not purchasing the fucking cancer sticks. Fuck those things. My sinuses hate them and I hate them. There’s a part of my brain that loves them but I am ignoring those messages.

They say the key to successfully quitting smoking is to have a support group. Well, I live in an isolated small coastal village, have no friends and there are no programs for quitting smoking around here. I am doing this on my own. The best support I have is my typewriter because it takes a certain amount of aggression to type on a manual machine and that seems to help alleviate my irritability and anger. The manual typewriter requires a certain amount of violence and I find that appealing right now.

I think quitting now is good timing as it is sort of taking my mind off Mom’s death anniversary coming up soon. And she would be very proud of me quitting smoking. Maybe I’m doing this as some sort of penance, seeking approval from the dead. I don’t know. Maybe I just want to accomplish something I can feel good about.

It’s been 6 days without cigarettes and I am still here, still nervous, still alone. But I am not smoking. I am saving money, my sinuses feel better and I feel good about what I have accomplished so far. I think this time is the last time I quit cigarettes!

More smoking cessation brain-dumping to come…. I’m going to get some fresh air!